Guns

I'm all for protection of the right to bear arms....but there is a point where guns shouldn't be allowed. In my world, I say no guns on federal property (unless you're law enforcement or whatever), i.e. if your property receives federal funding, no gun permits are recognized. This is particularly an issue in Texas, since people can have a license to carry a firearm. Hey protect their rights, but with everything, there's a time and there's a place.

Recently, legislation has come down to allow college students to carry handguns to school. What?! Are you kidding me?

Well, here's the solution if the bill passes.

Professor’s plan

As a professor at the University of Houston, I would heartily endorse a bill of the Texas Legislature allowing students to carry pistols into class. I would amend my course syllabus to provide on the first day for both an introduction to the course and a lesson in shooting. If my students were to encounter a dangerous person charging into the classroom — a terrorist, bigamist, extortionist or plagiarist — I would have them form a circle around the miscreant, pull out their pistols, and shoot him. The only problem I foresee is that some of my students might be “C” or “D” students, and they would possibly miss the intended criminal, shooting, instead, their classmates across from them.

This, would, however, be classified as collateral damage, and my students would not be charged with a crime for the death of their classmates.

As an amendment to the bill, I would have the Legislature authorize the installation of artillery cannon at strategic sites on campus. These cannon would enable us to respond to mortar shells being shot into the campus from downtown Houston or other hostile venues. To ensure the accuracy of the artillery, I would ask the computer science department to provide a course of instruction for students in the newly designed GPS/INS (fire-and-forget global positioning systems and internal navigation systems) utilizing military satellites. No prerequisites for this course would be required. The ability to read and forget is an inborn trait.

Irving N. Rothman,

professor of English, University of Houston

via Houston Chronicle